人生は大勘違い

最近、私がずっと悩んでます。大事な人をやっと見つけたそうですね、あんた。最近あんまり話しなかったり、いろんなことが変わったりしたよね。そんなこと考えると悔しくて胸が痛くなってるけど。で、私が今まだここにいて、何もがあってずっと一人ぼっちなんだ。心が折れそうでも人生に進んでしかないね。苦しくても明日は良くなってくよね、きっと。それじゃ、ここまでありがとうね、私の愛するひと。さようなら。

Existential Rough Draft

At the height of my emotional tumult I decided to draw it away and publish them on tumblr. You can see a happier and even nerdier side of me in that blog. . . though still sharp with bitterness towards humanity. Really helped me calm my nerves out. Whatever works you know?

June Gloom

Death in the family. I guess we all have to go through it one way or another but it has never been easy to deal with nor will it ever be. Life teaches us the hardest lessons in the hardest way possible sometimes.

痛くても大丈夫

もう終わりそうですね。
じゃ、遠く離れていくよ。
今までありがとう。


さようなら。

ひまわりが咲く季節になったなら。。。

Am I making my ancestors proud yet?

Rainy season is up and about and everything is just dull and gloomy. I'm glad Kenji Sensei was kind enough to help me find a store that sells quality yukatas for reasonable prices. And last Friday, I found this beauty. I know natsu matsuri (summer festivals) and hanabi taikai (fireworks display) are still two months away but I always like being prepared.

Being prepared to me means learning how to wear yukata all by myself. It's tricky and not quite as easy as most people think, since most of my friends from the west are like, it's just a bathrobe right? Wrong. I can't emphasize enough how dead wrong you are, my western friends. But I'm on my own now, and yes, I'm still trying to practice how to put on the obi (belt) properly and make a huge ribbon out of it. I also finally got my Aikidougi (Aikido uniform), and will try to practice Aikido twice a week from now on, hopefully I'll make it on time to do my shinsa (level evaluation) this December.

Well, doing all of these stuff will at least take my mind off of depressive matters for a while. Things haven't been going easy for me and my family lately. But hey, this is how life works for most of us. We'll get out if it eventually.

And They Made A Living Off of Guns and Bullets

I remember consoling this traumatized kid from one of our psychosocial interventions in heated areas troubled by communist insurgents back in 2009 (Compostella Valley, Philipppnes).

This is Roberto Awit. His parents work for more than 12 hours a day in their back breaking jobs as harvesters in a banana plantation earning only roughly P50 ($ 1) at most. Then there's the looming threat of imminent encounters between the communist insurgents and the military making their residential areas a de facto war zone. Not only that they're living from hand to mouth they also have to deal with heavy psychological stress due to anxiety regarding the on going war. This little child right here, was pouring his heart out to me about how scared he is to guns / gunshots. He asked me, "Ate, ngano kinahanglan pa man mag gera?" ("Big sis, why does war have to happen?"). And I was speechless. First time a child ever silenced me. I could never forget him.

Having spent three days there talking to the residents, especially the women and children opened my eyes to the realities of war and its devastating effects on the civilians. On top of it all, it was a humbling experience. It made all my problems seemed miniscule compared to what these people had to go through on a daily basis for years.

This photo means a lot to me. It reminds me to be thankful for everything that I have in my life.

苦しみ

I can't believe I've allowed myself to go this far. I've become accustomed to what I have or what we used to have that it is quite of a struggle to re-frame this mentality brought upon by routine. I hate it when I get used to something and then suddenly things take a slight turn and everything seemed alien to me. Just when I thought I have made a strong bond/connection or at least I'd like to be believe I did, it gets stopped short for some reason and then I'm back to square one. It's not helping that I'm one of those types whose shells are hard to crack and then when I finally make an effort to pour my heart out, I just end up being kept on my toes, making me feel hanging. While people tend to change constantly as seasons do, it is still quite puzzling as to why it has to be this way though. As such, I can't help but think that it is really useless to even bother anymore.

Sometimes I too, wish I have never met the people that made me feel this way. Like how I often times think that life used to be stable/easier until I knew such and such. On the other hand, I feel rather selfish for blaming people as I am at the same time aware that they're just playing their own characters in the environment which I happened to be situated in and what I do about how people make me feel or what they have done to me is ultimately my decision. I am responsible for my own emotions and nobody else. Being the existentialist that I am, it only magnifies my anxiety.

It is painful to play the role as a human being.