苦しみ

I can't believe I've allowed myself to go this far. I've become accustomed to what I have or what we used to have that it is quite of a struggle to re-frame this mentality brought upon by routine. I hate it when I get used to something and then suddenly things take a slight turn and everything seemed alien to me. Just when I thought I have made a strong bond/connection or at least I'd like to be believe I did, it gets stopped short for some reason and then I'm back to square one. It's not helping that I'm one of those types whose shells are hard to crack and then when I finally make an effort to pour my heart out, I just end up being kept on my toes, making me feel hanging. While people tend to change constantly as seasons do, it is still quite puzzling as to why it has to be this way though. As such, I can't help but think that it is really useless to even bother anymore.

Sometimes I too, wish I have never met the people that made me feel this way. Like how I often times think that life used to be stable/easier until I knew such and such. On the other hand, I feel rather selfish for blaming people as I am at the same time aware that they're just playing their own characters in the environment which I happened to be situated in and what I do about how people make me feel or what they have done to me is ultimately my decision. I am responsible for my own emotions and nobody else. Being the existentialist that I am, it only magnifies my anxiety.

It is painful to play the role as a human being.