Textbook Sociopath

人生は大勘違い

2011-07-16T20:36:00.004+08:00

最近、私がずっと悩んでます。大事な人をやっと見つけたそうですね、あんた。最近あんまり話しなかったり、いろんなことが変わったりしたよね。そんなこと考えると悔しくて胸が痛くなってるけど。で、私が今まだここにいて、何もがあってずっと一人ぼっちなんだ。心が折れそうでも人生に進んでしかないね。苦しくても明日は良くなってくよね、きっと。それじゃ、ここまでありがとうね、私の愛するひと。さようなら。

Existential Rough Draft

2011-06-15T14:22:00.005+08:00

At the height of my emotional tumult I decided to draw it away and publish them on tumblr. You can see a happier and even nerdier side of me in that blog. . . though still sharp with bitterness towards humanity. Really helped me calm my nerves out. Whatever works you know?

June Gloom

2011-06-04T14:21:00.006+08:00

Death in the family. I guess we all have to go through it one way or another but it has never been easy to deal with nor will it ever be. Life teaches us the hardest lessons in the hardest way possible sometimes.

痛くても大丈夫

2011-05-29T21:03:00.003+08:00

もう終わりそうですね。
じゃ、遠く離れていくよ。
今までありがとう。

さようなら。

ひまわりが咲く季節になったなら。。。

2011-05-29T13:03:00.003+08:00

Am I making my ancestors proud yet?

Rainy season is up and about and everything is just dull and gloomy. I'm glad Kenji Sensei was kind enough to help me find a store that sells quality yukatas for reasonable prices. And last Friday, I found this beauty. I know natsu matsuri (summer festivals) and hanabi taikai (fireworks display) are still two months away but I always like being prepared.

Being prepared to me means learning how to wear yukata all by myself. It's tricky and not quite as easy as most people think, since most of my friends from the west are like, it's just a bathrobe right? Wrong. I can't emphasize enough how dead wrong you are, my western friends. But I'm on my own now, and yes, I'm still trying to practice how to put on the obi (belt) properly and make a huge ribbon out of it. I also finally got my Aikidougi (Aikido uniform), and will try to practice Aikido twice a week from now on, hopefully I'll make it on time to do my shinsa (level evaluation) this December.

Well, doing all of these stuff will at least take my mind off of depressive matters for a while. Things haven't been going easy for me and my family lately. But hey, this is how life works for most of us. We'll get out if it eventually.

And They Made A Living Off of Guns and Bullets

2011-05-25T19:49:00.008+08:00

I remember consoling this traumatized kid from one of our psychosocial interventions in heated areas troubled by communist insurgents back in 2009 (Compostella Valley, Philipppnes).

This is Roberto Awit. His parents work for more than 12 hours a day in their back breaking jobs as harvesters in a banana plantation earning only roughly P50 ($ 1) at most. Then there's the looming threat of imminent encounters between the communist insurgents and the military making their residential areas a de facto war zone. Not only that they're living from hand to mouth they also have to deal with heavy psychological stress due to anxiety regarding the on going war. This little child right here, was pouring his heart out to me about how scared he is to guns / gunshots. He asked me, "Ate, ngano kinahanglan pa man mag gera?" ("Big sis, why does war have to happen?"). And I was speechless. First time a child ever silenced me. I could never forget him.

Having spent three days there talking to the residents, especially the women and children opened my eyes to the realities of war and its devastating effects on the civilians. On top of it all, it was a humbling experience. It made all my problems seemed miniscule compared to what these people had to go through on a daily basis for years.

This photo means a lot to me. It reminds me to be thankful for everything that I have in my life.

苦しみ

2011-05-25T13:18:00.006+08:00

I can't believe I've allowed myself to go this far. I've become accustomed to what I have or what we used to have that it is quite of a struggle to re-frame this mentality brought upon by routine. I hate it when I get used to something and then suddenly things take a slight turn and everything seemed alien to me. Just when I thought I have made a strong bond/connection or at least I'd like to be believe I did, it gets stopped short for some reason and then I'm back to square one. It's not helping that I'm one of those types whose shells are hard to crack and then when I finally make an effort to pour my heart out, I just end up being kept on my toes, making me feel hanging. While people tend to change constantly as seasons do, it is still quite puzzling as to why it has to be this way though. As such, I can't help but think that it is really useless to even bother anymore.

Sometimes I too, wish I have never met the people that made me feel this way. Like how I often times think that life used to be stable/easier until I knew such and such. On the other hand, I feel rather selfish for blaming people as I am at the same time aware that they're just playing their own characters in the environment which I happened to be situated in and what I do about how people make me feel or what they have done to me is ultimately my decision. I am responsible for my own emotions and nobody else. Being the existentialist that I am, it only magnifies my anxiety.

It is painful to play the role as a human being.

'Cause You Don't And You'll Never Know

2011-05-22T16:45:00.006+08:00

For all sad words of tongue and pen, the saddest are these, 'It might have been.'
- John Greenleaf Whittier

Nothing but a faint shadow trickling at the fringes of consciousness. You'll soon forget about it. I am the easiest to forget.

深く方向連鎖

2011-05-18T13:21:00.005+08:00

心は壊れちゃいそう。誰か助けてくれ。:(

Warrior's Code

2011-05-15T13:30:00.006+08:00

May. I'm starting to believe that my life has been on fast-forward because I barely noticed the time passing. Either that or I really need to get a life.

I feel quite stagnant lately. I guess it's a good idea to venture into another form of martial arts to regain that physical discipline I've had when I was training in Muay Thai. I'm glad I tagged along with my brother last night to his dojo and Nakayama Sensei was kind enough to let me watch them while they practice. It was quite interesting and I love how graceful the movements are and being quite lethal at the same time without even exerting too much effort on your part. How awesome could that get?

Though it's not an attack-based martial art, it absolutely shouldn't be underestimated. Once an Aikido practitioner gets a hold of your wrists and joints, your bones will be sorry for sure. It's beautiful and fascinating. I sure am going to have my first session today.

というわけで。。。

2011-04-30T21:14:00.009+08:00

最近、段々あの人の事を考えちゃってて私なんか嬉しくなってるし。そしてあの男は珍しくて私の考え方と一緒だから、やぱっりすぐに恋しちゃってるんだね。ちょっと好きになちゃいそうかな。彼の事が好きって伝えてみたんだけど。彼も私の思いを認めてくれて私の事が好きって言われたんだ。最初はちょっと怖くてこの気持ちを伝えるわけないと思って、一所懸命勇気を出してみてやっと彼に伝えてきたんだ。片思いにならなそうで、それだけ分かってて嬉しい。

でもそんなに簡単じゃないからね。実はやっぱこの気持ちって無理だと思うんだ。

だってあの人とは距離はけっこう遠くて、両方好きになっても全然あんまり出来ないし、なにもならないし、何処にも進まないはずだけなんだよね。遠距離恋愛とかちょっと辛いかもしれないな。彼がなにをしたいのかさっぱり分かんないし。でも関係になるつもりはないことかもね。

それでも、なんだかそばにいて欲しいけど。嫌だな私こんな話言ってるばっかり。

Positives Are Double Negatives

2011-04-10T18:33:00.006+08:00

I wanna try to take risks on certain things but I'm not quite sure if they're all worth bargaining for. I've been thinking about it a lot lately and I don't know if I'm just being optimistic or being naive. I feel like I've incarcerated myself in this tiny bubble of security for too long that I think it's high time I do something I don't normally rush into. I miss feeling a burning passion for...for anything really. I am currently in a situation where there's only so much I could do about it. It's giving me bouts of sudden frustration and it makes me really upset. But I think it's still too early to make conclusions. I just gotta have to make do with whatever I can get out of the situation. I always have. Not really sure if I want to see through the end of this. But we'll see.

Proximal Abandonment

2011-03-01T10:09:00.007+08:00

It's been a month since my birthday. Well, technically, 28 days since February is an odd month. I haven't even posted anything on February due to a number of reasons too trivial to be even worth mentioning. It's nothing but a blunt example of procrastination.

Anyway, my birthday wasn't really special. Even more so since I stopped celebrating the moment I turned 18. It was just another year of my life, passing like nobody's business. Same old, same old. Surprisingly, a lot of people I didn't expect would remember my date greeted me, flooding my Facebook wall with generic hallmark messages of warm fuzzy feelings. But then again it was probably Facebook who reminded them about it. Whatever, I still appreciate it somehow. I wasn't really aware of how much people I know until that day though. Considering I only talk to a selected few on a daily basis. That said life has been as normal as before.

I also started collecting records, as I stumbled upon a record store in Shibuya while hanging out with a couple of friends. I found a few good stuff for reasonable amount of moolah. I felt satisfied with my purchase. It was all good. Let's hope for more awesome records to come. I think I'll commit to this from now on, it's a fun, albeit expensive, hobby..But overall enjoyable nonetheless.

And now it's March. Jeez. How time flies. Such a chronological thievery it is. And I just feel like I want to disappear from the face of the planet. I wish I could take a vacation in Pluto. I wish.

The 30 Day Challenge: Day 2

2011-01-05T14:15:00.008+08:00

Day 02: Where you'd like to be in 10 years?

I envision myself working on my PhD in Clinical Psychology and most likely be teaching in a university or working in a psychiatric facility as a resident therapist. By this time I am sure as hell that I am more financially self-sufficient. Hopefully I might've already established my career in this field as well. At this point it would not be far-fetched anymore if I'd have a life partner or something along that line. Anything could happen within the span of 10 years after all. Anything. But that aside, I'm keeping my long-term career-related goals set on stone.

The 30 Day Challenge: Day 1

2011-01-04T12:21:00.021+08:00

Day 01 - Your current relationship, if single, discuss how single life is.

Single. I've been perpetually single my entire life that the idea of having a relationship is a notch closer to an impossibility to me. Sure, I once had a boyfriend for a short time but there wasn't any follow-up after that. I was even surprised that I managed to have at least one boyfriend since I didn't care about boys before that. Honestly, I am still not quite sure how it happened. It just did. More over, we never really had a full-blown physical relationship as most teenage romance generate in the post-modern 21st century. I drew the line and remained unyielding. It's not even because of certain conventions. I was just too logical for my own good. Despite my obvious rigidity, I do not deny that I had fun while it lasted. You know, the cutesy stuff. I thought it was an awakening for me to the idea of dating but even after it was over, I was back to my normal state: ignoring men.

I guess I wasn't that interested in it in the first place. I was just inclined to hanging out with boys (for the mere fact that they relatively have less drama than being friends with most girls), not date, and most certainly not sleep with them. Back in high school, I was the most deadpan platonic girl to have ever existed. Somehow, I think I still am 'cause I feel like my libido is almost non-existent.

It's not that I'm shunning relationships, don't get me wrong. I do think it's nice to have someone "special" in your life but I just didn't have the time nor energy to entertain such matters in the last five years to say the least. What, with school work (not to mention my self-inflicted pressure to excel at it), band, and 283948034828 hobbies, I could only handle so much. So I never really had a "boy crazy" phase, as my cognitive preoccupation was directed towards activities that didn't require the participation of the female hormones. But of course, I did have crushes at some point. In fact, I am proud to say that I am still capable of having crushes. Thankfully, I am not much of an android as I seem to appear. They are, however, fleeting and don't really have much effect on me in a larger scale. At least, one could conclude that I am not devoid of girlishness and fluffy affection after all. *Wink wink* That's one thing to be hopeful about, right?

So to wrap it up, I am not really shutting down my universe for relationships. It just so happens that attraction rarely occurs between me and the opposite sex. I know, fine, some did show their interest in me but I would rather eat a bowl of live hissing cockroaches than breathe next to them. Seriously. But I am not worried. For sure, if I am interested, I think I am capable of reciprocation. I am not made of stone, contrary to public belief. Besides, I'm already 21, I think I can rely on my better judgment more now than when I was a naive 16 year old girl. Bottom line is, it's the same way I am when it comes to music, I just like what I like.

But I am not actively looking nor waiting for "Mr. Right" (Moar like, Left and Right amirite?). I'm just open for it given the right circumstances and when basic standards are met (yes, I do have standards if you haven't noticed already.) If there's a potential, it's cool. If not, it's cool. This is, first and foremost not a priority. I'm still young after all. I have my entire youth to spare.

In the mean time, I do not mind treating myself out to dinner, going to the movies by myself, and staying up late reading Derrida or Foucault alone.

Commencing The 30 Day Challenge

2011-01-04T12:16:00.003+08:00

Yes, I have done the unthinkable. I have accepted the challenge. Let hilarity and potential drama ensue.

New Year's Non-Resolution

2011-01-01T05:48:00.012+08:00

I don't think these could be considered as 'resolutions,' regardless, I would much rather refer to them as my goals for 2011 instead. So here it goes:

(Not necessarily in order of importance, I just make it up as I go)
1. Save up and travel - This is crucial. With my current job, it's safe to say that I am making enough to have the luxury to hop on a plane on occasion. It just needs to be done on consecutive holidays ( which thankfully happens a lot in Japan) or during long breaks (spring, summer, winter breaks). In general, I'd like to explore South East Asia, East Asia (yes, even North Korea if possible, I'd like to see Arirang), Europe, and the US, but I still have to make up my mind on specific destinations. I'm getting there. My main objective for traveling is to catch shows and meet people who share the same passion for the music that I am into. Sight-seeing isn't a bad idea either. More importantly, it has to be done in the name of teh lulz.

2. Get myself a decent guitar - This too is long overdue. Be it acoustic or electric (in which case a decent amp must be included). I am making this happen or I'm going to shave my head off.

3. Invest on a record player - Yes. It's self-explanatory. Procrastination must not prevail.

4. ...And start collecting records - By hook or by crook. Even more self-explanatory.

5. Get more books - I try to buy books on a regular basis but book hoarding is just an addiction I could never shake off from my nervous system. I was raised reading books after all, ergo, nerd for lyfe. I get the feeling that I might have the same symptoms when my record-collecting kicks off.

6. Catch more shows - I should take this more seriously, especially if foreign bands are touring Japan. It is deemed necessary for my sanity.

7. Finish the collabs/sideprojects that I got into - I am not even kidding. I've yet to finish the stuff people asked me to do for them. Hang in there fellas.

8. Tour Manila, Philippines with my band (Caitlyn Bailey) - It's about time I go with my dudes and rip that region a new one with our recent jams. Never mind if I'd end up getting crammed in a van full of sweaty dudes and not getting a regular shower. I just wanna play music with my buddies, meet the kids who supported our music, and become friends with them while we're at it. I am aware that my band has somewhat pioneered the screamo revivalist whatnot in the Philippine scene but seriously, we'd like to have friends, not fans. The idea of having fans is absurd and contradictory to the same ideologies on which my band has taken shape into. D.I.Y.

9. Grow my hair even longer - If past lives were possible I swear I must've been a Heian Lady in ancient Japan. I love my long hair, other than regular trimmings to prevent split ends, I am never going to cut my tresses short. It is of massive importance to my aspirations in starring my own horror flick.

10. Enjoy the process of completing these goals - More than anything in the world.

年末年始 (Nenmatsu Nenshi)

2010-12-31T09:25:00.012+08:00

New Year's eve. I cannot believe it. Everything happened so fast and just when I had the slightest motivation to write in this blog again, 2010 is already coming to an end...TODAY. It's like I've been heavily sedated and suddenly been awakened in the last days of the year, still disoriented by the motions. It's not that I've been living a drone-like robotic existence, it's just that there's a huge gap of inactivity (aka, just working my arse off) in between the awesome stuff that I did this year. It's like one extreme or the other.

Still though, I think I've had a good time in 2010 than I had in 2009 so let's see what I accomplished in 2010:

1. I did some guest vocals/spoken word part for my friends' metal band called Meaning, in their latest album called "Brand New World" which was just released last November 17th under Pizza of Death Records. It came out pretty good, as expected, and the album artwork was hella rad too.

2. I got the full-time teaching gig in kindergartens, which I highly prefer over elementary and junior high schools. Remuneration is quite decent too, which helped ease out some financial constraints I've been having for the first half of the year. And of course I get to hang out with little kids who are less annoying and easier to manage than the older kids I used to deal with. They're way cuter and some of them randomly give me letters telling me how much they love me and every adorable thing possible, making me love this job even more.

3. I went to the Philippines for a visit and recorded our new material, supposedly for our full-length album, but decided to release the songs in two splits instead. One in a 4-way split, an idea which sprung up in a screamo message board (CMHWAK), with Viceversa (Denmark), Lizards Have Personalities (USA), and Orion Pax (USA). Another split is with this other Philippine band called Juna, whose members are heavily influenced by Botch, Converge, and a truckload of mathcore. Both splits would be released in early 2011 though but heck I still finished tracking my vocals in August 2010, so this counts as an accomplishment this year, at least on my part.

4. We released Caitlyn Bailey's Anthology CD and did a release show for it. It wasn't the best set we've played (our bassist quit and Francis had to play in his stead), but it was all good still because after almost a year of being away from my band, I get to scream with Francis again and just go apeshit all over the place with my dudes. We hung out like there's no tomorrow 'cause I only had three weeks to do everything I had to do for the band before I go back to Japan and be a sweet quirky kindergarten teacher again.

5. I finally bought myself an iPod (iTouch) this month, which I intended to do earlier since it's long been overdue of a goal but couldn't 'cause I wasn't making enough with my part-time teaching position in the first six months of the year. But here it is now and it's been very useful and it's really cool that it has a wifi feature too. I do not intend to get an iPhone simply because I do not really need it. I just need music everywhere I go and the iTouch fits the bill for that.

I guess that's pretty much it. I know there's not a lot but I did enjoy this year all in all. And as misanthropic as I've been feeling within the last quarter of the year, I think it's only fair for me to admit that entertaining new people in my life isn't that much of a bad idea after all. I just needed to carefully choose those whom I deemed deserving to let in into my life. It's all good though. 2010, you're okay. Good bye.

Pillow Violence Slumber Party

2010-12-30T15:23:00.009+08:00

I just realized that I'm much more receptive to grindcore and powerviolence whenever sleepiness hits me. Last night, I listened to a truckload of powerviolence and it lulled me to sleep faster than when I listen to shoegaze or any indie stuff. I guess because blastbeats and chainsaw guitars create much more rhythmic pattern gnawing at each and every axon and dendrites in my perpetually angry brain.

The drawback though was that I went dead before I could even turn my computer off, so it was playing the entire night up until morning.

Here are some of the grindcore and powerviolence bands that were on repeat non-stop in my computer:

(stating it in alphabetical order just to drive myself batshit insane)
As The Sun Sets
Assück
Capitalist Casualties
Charles Bronson
Crossed Out
Cult Ritual
Combatwoundedveteran
Daughters
Despise You
Discordance Axis
Dropdead
The Endless Blockade
Gridlink
Hatred Surge
Idiots parade
Infest
Insect Warfare
Iron Lung
Magrudergrind
Man Is The Bastard
Napalm Death
Pig Destroyer
Plutocracy
Punch
Spazz
Stapled Shut

And the list could go on, just to give you an idea of what's been going through my ears as of late. I need to listen to more bands too. So many bands so little time. But I'm getting there.

Also, today's payday which I initially thought was supposed to be tomorrow, but I'm glad that I get to have my money today so I could shop stuff for Oshougatsu (New Year's). I need to pay rent and bills though. I currently don't really have any particular use for the rest of my dough so I'm just going to save it instead and maybe buy me a record player so I could start collecting records in 2011.

I'm so paid, brah. Shiz was so cash. Lulz.

On A Misanthropic Purge

2010-12-28T08:37:00.008+08:00

Ah, it's the time of the year again. I'm not even talking about the holidays. I did not celebrate Christmas the way I used to when I was a kid. Eventually I just got tired of it. To me, it's the ultimate consumerist holiday of the year. Besides, it's basically a pagan celebration so I don't really give a flying fig.

I was referring to my escalating social avoidance lately. I realized I have become extremely allergic to people that I needed to take a break from all kinds of social networking, leaving only instant messengers so I could still keep in touch with people that I *really* want to communicate with as of late.

On the eve of December 24th, I started to deactivate my Facebook account, stopped going to forums, and all sites that could one way or another will have anything to do with me having to talk to people. I am currently avoiding social contact in real life too. Speaking only to my brother when necessary simply because we live together.

So far I am having the time of my life. I am doing this to assuage my growing misanthropy. This happens to me annually. Somehow I just reach a certain point that socializing becomes tad bit too taxing that I become less friendly and bitter. Depriving myself of social contact would make me have the desire to be in touch again with the rest of humanity.

I used to do this for two months straight during summer breaks back when I was still in college. It was even way more hardcore before since I refused to use the internet, computer, radio, iPod, television, phones etc. I just completely disappear from the rest of the world, even my friends wouldn't have any idea how to reach me. It was a full-blown monk-like existence. It was very liberating. But since I don't have that luxury anymore, I'm just going to utilize what's left of the winter break.

I started doing this seemingly oddball personality cleansing of some sort, so I could somehow have a neutralizer. To make sure nothing would go completely out of hand and become pathological to some extent. It might not make sense to most people, that's why I just don't really bother explaining myself since I have not the obligation to do so anyway and just decide to disappear from their lives for a short while. But it does make perfect sense to me.

Viva le misanthrope!

The Universe Used To Be This Small

2010-11-26T19:40:00.010+08:00

Today was a total surprise to me. Just when I arrived in my Friday kindergarten, the head teacher informed me that two-thirds of the student population contracted influenza and the said infected children were all absent for the day.

The moment it registered in my then sleepy nervous system, I didn't know how I should feel about it since I usually have to teach nine classes, each class consisting of numerous screaming children attacking me on all sides with random hugs and intended high fives usually landing on my stomach and back like miniature paddles of torture in a fraternity initiation rites. It can get really exhausting sometimes. So having this kind of day gives me the opportunity to rest my weary vocal chords, since I have to outscream them at all times so they could hear my voice. (I'm really thankful I've had enough exercise for my voice through screaming stuff in a hardcore band. Who would've thought it could come in handy at these times of dire necessity). On the other hand, I kinda got used to it and somehow felt like a letdown that I didn't get to see the usual mischievous faces staring up at me on my Friday classes. But generally speaking, it's like someone just randomly waged a biological warfare against that kindergarten for the lulz which reminded me of survival of the fittest, cute edition. Why hello thar Darwin.

Anyway, the usual rowdiest year level was the『年中さん』(nenchuu-san =about 40+ 3~4 year olds divided into two sections) and it was quite astounding to say the least that there were only nine kids (the extremely shy ones at that) left, reduced to a single class in what used to be a tremendously loud bunch of little rascals. It was nice to have a class with calm children though it was a bit lonely.

But I gotta say, the highlight of my day was my one year old class. I taught them verbs and letting them imitate me while playing the Freeze Game. Damn such cute smart babies. I think I want one, just for today. I hope these bundles of joy would come in rentals since I still don't think I permanently want to have my own yet. Oh children.

Convergent Consequences of Fractured Schemas

2010-11-23T10:30:00.012+08:00

Two of my band mates started this thing way back around 2006-2008. They used to organize hardcore shows and whatnot but then it eventually went on a hiatus due to school stuff and probably laziness. But 2010 is a good year for all of us since the boys decided to revive Limp Cat Productions along with Raph's label Into Entropy Records and Francis' You Mean The World To Me! which is a clothing line of some sort. Not really sure what he does in there yet but I'm going to put up an update about it. But heck yes, they're back with seething vengeance ready to wreck havoc on every corner of Davao City (at least until they relocate to Manila).

So you guys out there, show your love and go to Limp Cat shows and hang out with us (or them since half of the time I'm in Japan). And I plan to visit the Philippines by March/April 2011 so you might catch me do some shows with Caitlyn Bailey and possibly a Manila tour. Either way, come hang!

When The Moon Is Fool...Yes, Fool.

2010-11-23T07:17:00.012+08:00

If I'm not hanging out and teaching kids in kindergartens, I can usually be seen not going out of the house. That, and at times I am preoccupied sublimating my angry impulses in a hardcore band along with my best friends. Screaming over chaotic riffs and evil blast beats like a possessed rabid kitten is what I like to do while rendering my indignant tirades on pen and paper. Mushroom-violence at its best. This is the new profile picture in our Facebook page and I find it really hilarious. This came up when an awesome entity tagged us in last.fm as, "beautiful mystical old school black metal that is the ideal soundtrack for porn movies and when the moon is fool there is sexing ajajgjajfasdadsad i love boobies asdfasdfasdfasdfasdf penis." And in my opinion, this is the best thing that we've ever been tagged with. TOTAL EMOTIONAL HOLOKAVST. There is so much sexing involved (read: forever alone).

And if you're wondering why we call ourselves "Caitlyn Bailey," I'm afraid you have to go through this first before I reveal my band's secret to you. Francis made an elaborate explanation for our band name but, you must watch these videos beforehand.

...The idea for creating a video started when we saw this link of a preppy Filipino K-pop wannabe boy band being flooded in our FB news feeds. Best catalyst ever.

...I dunno what made them do this, but did you see that cameltoe?

These dudes are called 1:43. Why? Watch and learn.

"Hi everyone I'm Yuki and I'm Kim. And we're from 1:43. So there are lots of people asking us, 'What is the meaning of 1:43,' Umm, so 1:43 actually stands for "I love You." Like it's 1-4-3, so like, it's I-love-you. So we were formatted as 1:43 'cause it's like, time, so it's like, it's time for love every time they listen to our songs. So that's it. Once again I am Kim. and I'm Yuki. Bye bye. And by the way please support us. Haha."

And Francis couldn't help but create a C:B version. It must be done.

"Good day everyone, I am Francis Maria, I am the vocalist of Caitlyn Bailey. Okay so, there are lots of people asking us, 'What is the meaning of Caitlyn Bailey,' 'Why is Caitlyn Bailey your band name?' Well first off, Caitlyn Bailey was a myspace user who committed suicide in 2005. Her blog was so tragic and that everyday since she died, her sister always left comments there. It was so sad and we're so moved by it. So we thought, 'What if we create a band that's so tragic as well?' So yeah, then we formatted our name as C:B in such a way that it would look dramatic, like, "whoa, what's that?" So there, "Caitlyn Bailey" is a name of a person, but it's a band. It's like the message we want to get across is like, whenever you listen to us you'd also want to die...Right? There, so to all of our fans out there, thank you for your support, and please support us on our show this Saturday. And to all our haters, a big fuck you to all of you. But personally we love you. So there, I'm Francis Maria of Caitlyn Bailey. Goodbye."

These Fleeting Instances

2010-11-22T15:50:00.038+08:00

"Love always creates, it never destroys.
In this lies man's only promise."
-Leo Buscaglia

Last Friday, I saw something beautiful. The sighting was quite brief but it was the most awe-inspiring encounter I've ever had in months.

I saw an old couple, both of them about 80 years old holding each other's hands as if there were transported back in time when they were still young and so much in love. And it was apparent that they still are. Dear god I swear I thought my world stopped for a moment just to revel in that rare experience of seeing genuine love manifest right in front of me, and at the train station at that, of all places! I was walking behind them while descending down the escalator. Then I had to get my head back and go to work. Nevertheless, it was the best 30 seconds of my day.

It's just heartwarming to see old couples like that showing the world that relationships aren't as disposable as they may seem to be. Now, I understand that relationships were never easy but our generation is just too lazy to work with anything, and relationships (not necessarily romantic ones) aren't exempt from it. We want everything instant. We have our fast food, mobile phones, emails, instant messengers, and basically over the counter everything. While these technological advancements have helped us in our lives, it seems like it has some devastating side-effects, since we've somehow developed this culture of expendables. Again, relationships aren't exempt from this ugly mentality. It's just so frustrating to watch people (and in my case some of my friends) go from one painful break up to another just because either one doesn't "feel" it anymore or that one found a "better" replacement which is much like buying the latest iPhone model and giving /throwing away the old one you bought six months ago. Hook up and break up. Love 'em and leave 'em. I for one am disgusted with all of this.

Whatever happened to love? To commitment? Cliche, I know, but are people even aware of this anymore?

A foolish question. If they were, divorce rates should've dropped over the years. If they were, domestic violence would have been nothing but an unusual occurrence. If they were, a lot of kids would've been spared from growing up in broken homes. Of course, THEY ARE NOT. Sadly, they are not. Divorce has become a popular trend, domestic violence is an everyday scene, and broken homes have become a norm. I just feel embittered that human beings are inadvertently drawn to the pursuit of self-destruction. It was a lie when they said we are the most intelligent species on earth. In fact, we thrive at being stupid and hurting each other. Human. All too human, as Nietzsche would like to put it. Not even a big fan of the guy but he has a valid point there.

Okay, then again, I have nothing much to say about my personal experience concerning romantic relationships since I haven't been into many. In fact, I have only been in one. I was young and I don't want to play the victim so I wouldn't go over the details. It was a wise decision to end it before it became destructive for the both of us. But I grew up from that situation, remaining single until I'm ready to commit my time, energy, and emotional investment to someone. And I do learn a lot from other people since they have a habit of confiding and sharing their experiences to me. I don't mind it though. I guess I don't have to go through most of what they've done to comprehend the gravity of what relationships could do to people, the good and the bad. As the saying goes, "A smart person learns from his mistakes, but a wise person learns from the mistakes of other people." Hey, it is wise to stay out of trouble you know.

Some would think I'm just too scared to be hurt so I play it safe and just be dormant about it but I am too self-aware to know that it's not even that at all. Honestly, I just wasn't interested and I knew I couldn't handle being in a relationship while working on my academic life. It was a no-brainer. The obvious best decision was to ignore boys until I graduate or earn my own living. Or heck, until I feel like doing so. I chose books over boys and I am damn proud of that. Besides, I am the kind of person who just doesn't want to waste my time and energy feeding juvenile curiosities with seemingly empty ends.

I remember what my favorite professor (while I was briefly working for her about a year ago) said when we were talking about being single and relationships in general, she told me, "Girl, set your standards high and never settle. Don't 'sit and wait' or god forbid 'look' for the right guy either, rather, focus your energy to your personal goals, work on your growth while establishing yourself along the way. When you are thriving in what you do, he will one way or another notice that, and trust me, he will find you, where ever you may be. That's how I met my hubby."

And this is exactly what I'm doing. I just do what I'm being good at and love doing the most: being an absolute nerd, hating parties and the human race. What could be more appealing than that? And if he finds me in this lifetime, that would be cool, if not, hey, I'm still having the time of my life. Win-win situation as far as I'm concerned.

Thank you Ma'am Gail, you are my beacon of hope. Ugh. I already miss our conversations concerning humanity.

I have a feeling that a part two of this diatribe is going to resurface any time soon.

But I think I need some coffee.

Love Attitude Scale

2010-05-16T16:10:00.002+08:00

(It was a fun activity we did back in college, thought I'd share it here.)

So what’s your love style? The Love Attitude Scale, created by Clyde Hendrick and Susan Hendrick, measures your attitudes about each of the styles.

INSTRUCTIONS:

For each of the following statements, write down the number that most nearly describes your attitude or belief. Some of the items refer to a specific love relationship, while others refer to general attitudes and beliefs about love. Whenever possible, answer the questions with your current partner in mind. If you are not currently dating, answer the questions with your most recent partner in mind. If you have never been in love or in a relationship before, answer in terms of what you think your responses would most likely be.

The code for rating to be used for each statement is as follows:

SA = STRONGLY agree; A = Agree; N = Neutral; D = Disagree; SD = STRONGLY disagree

SA=1 ; A=2; N=3; D=4; SD=5

1. My lover and I were attracted to each other immediately after we first met.

2. I try to keep my lover a little uncertain about my commitment to him/her.

3. It is hard to say exactly where friendship ends and love begins.

4. I consider what a person is doing to become in life before I commit myself to him/her.

5. When things aren’t right with my lover and me, my stomach gets upset.

6. I try to always help my lover through difficult times.

7. My lover and I have the right physical “chemistry” between us.

8. I believe that what my lover doesn’t know about me won’t hurt him/her.

9. Genuine love first requires caring for a while.

10. I try to plan my life carefully before choosing a lover.

11. When my love affairs break up, I get so depressed.

12. I would rather suffer myself than let my lover suffer.

13. Our lovemaking is very intense and satisfying.

14. I have sometimes had to keep two of my lovers from finding out about each other.

15. I expect to always be friends with the one I love.

16. It is best to love someone with a similar background.

17. Sometimes I get so excited about being in love that I can’t sleep.

18. I cannot be happy unless I place my lover’s happiness before my own.

19. I feel that my lover and I were meant for each other.

20. I can get over love affairs pretty easily and quickly.

21. The best kind of love grows out of a long friendship.

22. A main consideration in choosing a lover is how he/she reflects on my family.

23. When my lover doesn’t pay attention to me, I feel sick all over.

24. I am usually willing to sacrifice my own wishes to let my lover achieve his/hers.

25. My lover and I became emotionally involved rather quickly.

26. My lover would get upset if he/she knew some of the things I’ve done with other people.

27. Our friendship merged gradually into love over time.

28. An important factor in choosing a partner is whether or not he/she will be a good parent.

29. When I am in love, I have trouble concentrating.

30. Whatever I own is my lover’s to use as he/she chooses.

31. My lover and I really understand each other.

32. When my lover gets too dependent on me, I want to back off a little.

33. Love is really a deep friendship not a mysterious, mystical emotion.

34. One consideration in choosing a partner is how he/she will reflect on my career.

35. I cannot relax if I suspect that my lover is with someone else.

36. When my lover gets angry with me, I still love him/her fully and unconditionally.

37. My lover fits my ideal standards of physical beauty/handsomeness.

38. I enjoy playing the “game of love” with a number of different partners.

39. My most satisfying love relationships have developed from good friendships.

40. Before getting very involved with anyone, I try to figure out how compatible his/her hereditary background is with mine in case we ever have children.

41. If my lover ignores me for a while, I do stupid things to get his/her attention back.

42. I would endure all things for the sake of my lover.

EROS – Add numbers: 1, 7, 13, 19, 25, 31, and 37. score:___

LUDUS -Add numbers : 2, 8, 14, 20, 26, 32, and 38. score:___

STORGE – Add numbers: 3, 9, 15, 21, 27, 33, and 39. score:___

PRAGMA – Add numbers: 4, 10, 16, 22, 28, 34, and 40. score:___

MANIA – Add numbers: 5, 11, 17, 23, 29, 35, and 41. score:___

AGAPE – Add numbers: 6, 12, 18, 24, 30, 36, and 42. score:___

Oh Enormous Solarness, You're My Hero

2010-02-15T10:08:00.018+08:00

Have you ever been into Ultraman, Power Rangers, or Kamen Rider (Masked Rider) when you were a kid? Since I grew up in a household without any cable TV connection, I used to spend my afternoons, when I get home from school, watching these Tagalog-dubbed Japanese hero TV shows aired by one of the major broadcasting companies in the Philippines. Later on, they started airing anime shows like YuYu Hakusho (Ghost Fighter), Dragon Ball Z, Rekka no Hono (Flame of Recca, my favorite) and more. But before my fascination with anime, came my fondness with the said live action Japanese Hero TV shows, with heroes wearing awkwardly tight shiny suits and weird masks ranging from relatively normal helmet-like visage to plain weird extra-terrestrial insectile masks. They fight combat goons then eventually with the special kaijin (monster) of the day, often times when it gets defeated it gets bigger then the hero has to defeat it again with his giant robot or his amplified self at that.

I was young back then and I never knew about dubbing, so whenever they talk I used to wonder why the characters' lips don't match with what they are saying at all. Making me more amazed that one time I actually mimicked it, saying one thing and mouthing gibberish just to make it longer and appear like 'I'm being dubbed,' or something like that. I don't even know if this even makes any sense at all, I can't really describe it enough.

But yes, the joy of being a curious kid. The shows were actually comprised with Japanese people speaking Japanese dubbed in Tagalog which now I find very unsophisticated, especially because I prefer subtitles and what the hell I can understand Japanese.

So recently, I, bummed out of Japan's frozen environment, haven't been going out to watch shows for the sheer fact that it's a pain to travel in the dead of the winter and more so that I unfortunately don't have any body fat to insulate me in any way which makes me easily get cold. Thus, I've been home-bound on weekends. With nothing better to do I've been watching animes and recently I discovered this awesome anime that parodies on the early 90's Japanese Hero Series and makes it comical in every way.

It's none other than TENTAI SENSHI SUNRED! (Astro Fighter Sunred)

Our story revolves around Kawasaki City, Kanagawa Prefecture, particularly in Mizonokuchi. It's about a boorish NEET (not in employment ,education, or training) pachinko-loving superhero named Tentai Senshi Sunred or just "Red" who mooches and lives with his girlfriend, Kayoko, who works in an insurance company. When Red and Kayoko gets into an argument (all of which are Red's fault), Kayoko tells Red he's a "shakai futekigousha" (社会不適合者）which means he's useless/unfit in the society, being jobless as he is.

Our hero more often than not, spends his time (and money given by Kayoko) in pachinko parlors and sometimes running in to his mortal enemies, the monsters from an evil organization called Florsheim Kanagawa Branch, which is locally lead by a rather effeminate mild-mannered Vamp Shogun (General Vamp) who has a housewife charisma and knows all about household chore tricks.

Vamp Shogun and his kaijins enjoying toridango nabe

He's sometimes seen helping out Kayoko on certain household chores or running a cooking show with "easy-to-make" recipes. Most of his minions are also responsible enough to get part-time jobs to help out the expenses of Florsheim Kanagawa headquarters. They strive hard on "taking over the world" and thus tries (and fails hard) all the time on "annihilating" Red on the face of the planet

I can almost say it's a Japanese version of Family Guy (actually Family Guy has nothing on this) only that it focuses more on the hero-villain plot of the story . I can't even count how many times I've caught myself on a "what the hell?!" moment watching each episode of the series. Basically, it's brilliant, refreshing, and hilarious. Though it's really NOT for the kids.

The 16-year-old looking 21-year-old Girl

2010-02-01T20:11:00.008+08:00

『初雪』
(hatsuyuki=first snowfall)

When I was a kid I used to get so hyper-excited during birthdays. The party, cake, ice cream, food, and friends coming over celebrating, what's not to like? I really had a healthy childhood and I'm thankful for that.

Now that I'm getting older and a full-pledged adult, somehow, birthdays became less and less special, it has become something I'd rather not look forward to. I'm not being pessimistic, though I must say the reality of the ugliness in the world somehow dampen this once innocent outlook I have about birthdays.

I always think that as we have birthdays, we're getting closer to our deaths. But most of us would rather choose to look at it the other way, and thus people traditionally celebrate birthdays in rose-colored fashion and happy endings. I don't wanna argue with that, after all, we do need to cut ourselves some slack from time to time. But I just don't really care anymore.

So I just treated today as if it's just like any other day. Today, in my 21st birthday, I chose to just let this day pass by like I would in any other day. I'd rather be thankful everyday, than to just set aside a single day for me to be grateful for my existence. But the sky knows better, she showered me with snow maybe as a gift, nature knows it's my day.

Happy birthday to me. May I grow more with wisdom and strive for optimism even when the going gets tough.

Starvation Due To Laziness

2010-01-22T18:55:00.006+08:00

Have you ever been in a situation where all you can ever think about is food, food, and more food? Well, I am now and man, I realized when I was about to check out the pantry that our food supply has long been depleted.

This sucks. I'm too lazy to go out and actually buy groceries. It's just too damn cold outside. And this has to happen on a week-end. Arrgghh.

Shameless Self-Promotion

2010-01-21T17:04:00.008+08:00

Just in case you guys didn't know, I happen to be one of Caitlyn Bailey's vocalists. That's right, I scream for a hardcore punk band. Who would've thought this puny mushroom could actually shriek with monstrous intensiteh? Anyhoo, CB is still active and open for show bookings, it's okay though, Francis wails in my behalf even when I'm here in the land of the freezing sun.

So last night he went asking people around with CB shirts to take a picture wearing it. It's for his little project but I don't really know the details about it. And this afternoon I grabbed the cam and took some shots here and there. It took me a while to get the right shot since the wind was kind of cranky, my hair was flying all over the place covering either my entire face or the art of the shirt itself.

Luckily, after what seems like a frustrating forever, I finally managed to capture my first picture promoting my otherwise rare band shirt. Sorry guys, we don't have any for sale anymore. Hopefully after we release our split with Meaning, we can produce new merch for it.

Drink Up Baby...With A Cup of Tea

2010-01-20T13:30:00.014+08:00

"Between The Bars"

Okay, so what if alcohol has long been banned from my nervous system, that doesn't mean I can't enjoy Elliott Smith's "Between The Bars," or the entire discography for that matter, with a cup of lemon tea or a glass of milk. This beautiful bard of joy and despair captivated my ears the moment I heard his music playing in "Good Will Hunting." But I was still at a tender age and had little grasp of the lyrics back then. Though I have to say, the movie was as astonishing as its sound track but I learned to appreciate it more when I watched the movie again as our film viewing in one of my subjects back in college when I was finally taking up psychology. And then I was old enough to appreciate the bard's musings.

"Miss Misery" (Good Will Hunting OST)

Since last night I've been playing his Either/Or album, my favorite, on repeat and I still can't get enough of his music. At the moment I am rewarding myself with an Elliott Smith marathon to make myself feel warm despite today's cold and unforgiving weather. There's something about this guy's voice and charm that makes you want to melt into a complete mush. At least that's how his music affects my sensibilities in general.

Either/Or album cover

Too bad he has already left this cruel, cruel world. He could've made more songs about life's miseries and beauties. Then again, musical legends like him had to die early for some reason beyond the supposition of my frontal cortex. Still, his music is worth taking up space in my head and my lappy's hard disk.

So Long 2009, and I will never see you ever again.

2010-01-16T13:52:00.010+08:00

I have always been a sucker for new beginnings. New years always give me something to hope about life. Now that 2009 is over, we might as well breathe and brace ourselves for another year, the last year of this decade, the year 2010.

I am so happy 2009 is already in the past, something I would rather not look back into. It's the time where too many tragedies fell upon my home country, the Philippines. It was a vicious, ugly year. It reminds me so much of heartaches and personal losses, so good riddance.

While there is no certainty that 2010 will get any better than the last, I still hope it will be. That's precisely the point of hoping in the first place. And facing matters with either pessimism or optimism would most likely end up in self-fulfilling prophecy anyway, so choosing the latter would be a lot wiser. You've got nothing to lose in trying, really, because 2009 already took away whatever is left to lose. Now that's a heads up alright.

Going back to new beginnings, I have never gotten into those "new year's resolution" shtick. I have realized since the time I learned to reason that I have no business in proving myself to the world accomplishing personal goals written in numerical order or bullet-points. I would rather keep them to myself, fulfilling each goals along the way and enjoying these little personal victories in silence, for I know I did them because I wanted to not because I had to. Don't get me wrong, I do make short-term and long-term goals, it's just that I am not obsessive in fulfilling them per se. What I'm trying to say is, I feel that it's worth enjoying the process to one's goal than reveling only to the fulfilled goal itself. It sure is important to keep your eyes on the prize but it doesn't hurt to stop by and smell the flowers either.

It's just a matter of perspective. If you're too serious in life you already robbed yourself off of happiness. Take it easy and enjoy life.

Enjoy 2010~!

And The King Drank From The Well of Madness

2009-12-04T23:59:00.003+08:00

In my twenty years of walking around in this planet, I have observed that most of us have been going to great extent just to meet the demands of this society and what for? Normality.

And what exactly is normal indeed? Neither of us really dared to question and if ever, we just spew out the same banal explanations taught and conditioned to us by society itself. So what is it with normality that we strive so hard to achieve? Writing this, I myself cannot even think of an answer that could satisfy this existential curiosity. By saying normal, are we trying to find some sort of "anchor" to keep us within the bounds of what the majority expects us to become? And if so why would we want to be fettered by this voluntary self-confinement? Isn't this quite self-defeating not to mention a hint of masochistic desire?

Looking back in history, rarely do I find a remarkable man who has never been an outcast or a deviant from their respective social contexts. These men that we call geniuses today have been labeled as madmen, lunatics, or heretics, for the simple fact that those people dared to explore a different dimension that exists outside the confines of the social constraints in their time. Without these so-called lunatics, I think I wouldn't be typing on my laptop but rather writing this entry on a parchment with a plume. Without imagination, invention is nothing but a far-fetched delusion.

Last Monday, I was searching over the net on what movie I should watch next to divert myself from the grief I felt for losing a friend. So I found out that the book that inspired me to take up psychology has already had its movie adaptation available for streaming. The book is called Veronika Decides To Die written by the brilliant Paulo Coelho. It starred Sarah Michelle Gellar as Veronika and she played her role quite stunningly well though I was hoping they would get a European actress to play the part. But overall I think the movie adaptation did the book some justice as it was wise of them to hire Paulo Coelho himself as one of the screenwriters.

So what's the connection between normality and Veronika Decides To Die? Well the story revolves around a woman in her mid-20's living a perfectly "normal" life, with a high-paying job, a pretty face, and with brains to boot. But one day she suddenly realizedt hat life doesn't quite cut it anymore so she decided to kill herself through over dosing only to end up failing and locked up in a psychiatric facility. What's more devastating for Veronika is that she was informed by one of the doctors that the attempt she did on her life made her heart develop a certain condition that any time it could stop beating and kill her in an instant. She asked the doctors how much time she has left but the doctors just told her bluntly that it can happen at any time of the day, it could be tomorrow, next week or the week after next.

Having this knowledge about her impending death made her realize how much she has been trying to meet societal demands that made her experience full-blown existential ennui and extreme unhappiness that pushed her to end her life at once. She has come to a conclusion that she would've been much happier had she done the things she wanted to do that society forbids her to. Having an increased awareness of death made her want to live more of her life.Not just breathe and extend her existence but to actually live it. To live it beyond the generic definition of how she should live her own life, without the dictates of the majority.

There inside the loony bin that she initially despised she found a few friends that made her question reality, society, and life. One of the most notable thing I wanted to share from that book is the story told by one of her "crazy" friends about The King and The Well of Madness. The king and queen are loved by the people but one day the communal well was contaminated with something that makes one turn mad once you drink from it. Then the people started to go against the king's orders because they don't see eye to eye anymore. It created so much outrage that the once peaceful kingdom was slowly turning into a place of anarchy. The queen suggested that they might as well drink from the well in hopes to turn things back to "normal" again. Hesitant but was totally out of options, the king considered the queen's suggestion and both of them drank from the communal well and the moment they drank the water of madness, they started to see the people's point of view and so his reign in their kingdom was once again restored.

It rings a bell doesn't it? It happens all the time. The bandwagon will always pass you by and chances are you are going to go for a ride. You are going to become just "like them." A cog in a machinery of mindlessness. But do you really want it? I don't think so, but you are just like the king, pushed to drink from the well because the antagonizing people are the majority. The majority establishes what is normal and what is not.

Will you stay afraid from the majority or will you live on freed from their chains?
As one of my favorite author, Chuck Palahnuik said,

“You have a choice. Live or die. Every breath is a choice. Every minute is a choice. To be or not to be.”

A Sudden Goodbye: Farewell Peter Bautista

2009-12-03T11:29:00.011+08:00

L-R: Peter, Kawaguchi, Me, and Francis during OVC Tour Jan. 2009

I called in sick for work today. I want solitude to meditate and nature made a point to sympathize with me by greeting me with a cold, cloudy morning. The gloom is so overwhelming my knees shake out of sheer sorrow.

Today happens to be my friend's cremation. I can't even be there to witness it and personally extend my condolences to his despondent wife. I never expected Peter, a laid-back and cheerful man, would one day decide to tie a noose around his neck and end his own life. But I must have forgotten that everyone wears a mask just to get by one day after another. Even I, and I guess so did Peter.

I talked to him months ago, around May, and he said in passing that he has been feeling quite dismal and discontented and that something is missing that makes him feel empty. I haven't known him for too long but he once shared to me in one of our random conversations that he tried stabbing himself some years ago out of depression. And I heard a few weeks back that he tried killing himself again but was hospitalized so his life was spared. But last Sunday, he finally succeeded in his final attempt. The only kind of success I could never cheer him on for.

He may have his own resolute reasons for doing what he has done but one thing I learned from this is to never take depression lightly, not even the minor signs of it. I am a psychologist and I should've done something about it. So much for regrets.

L-R: Sak, Charing, Peter preparing the food in one of the COT feedings

I do not intend to be extremely rueful about this but I cannot help thinking that this could've been possibly prevented had he happen to talk it out to people. Depressed individuals operate in a notion that everybody is against them and that nobody would bother listening to them nor empathize with them. Most people suffering from depression have difficulties in conveying/confiding their sorrow even to the ones they know they could trust. They have a deficiency in communicating their feelings and if they do, they cannot disclose everything. Suicidal thoughts would conclusively cross their minds when push comes to shove. The only key ingredient is a major trigger. Seeing death as the only answer, it must have been one.

I think such is the case that happened to my friend. He's been carrying that burden for a while now. Masking his forlornness with a smile on his face to avoid worrying the people he's intimately involved with. For the short time that I got to know him, I knew Peter loved his friends and his family so much, especially his wife. Hence he'd rather keep his torment in hiding or at least he tried to. He may not be the perfect husband nor a perfect friend but he's a person who knows how to love deeply.

Another painful thing is, he is such a terrible loss to the hardcore scene, in Davao and the entire Philippines as far as legit hardcore is concerned. We may have clashed with our ideas when it comes to the direction of our music in the past, but we maturely agreed to disagree. He can get cantankerous at times but nevertheless, I still consider him one of the most influential people that contributed to the maturity of my band, Caitlyn Bailey. He's the big brother in hardcore that I looked up to as a matter of fact. He hangs out, he supports, he scolds, he oversees your growth just like what a real brother does. But all of it is in the past now and the face that I have recognized as such will turn into ashes, becoming one with the earth once and for all.

I pray for your soul's eternal rest, dear brother. May you continue moshing and writing awesome songs as you have always been, where ever you may be.

Here's a tribute video made by the Flowergrave Collective for Peter:

Axe To Fall: Japan Invasion

2009-12-02T20:26:00.006+08:00

This is it. The show I've been waiting for as far as my entire hardcore consciousness is concerned. I'm finally going to see CONVERGE live this December 15th!!! They're going to launch their latest album Axe To Fall. Lucky I get to see Brutal Truth as well.

Thanks to my friend Hayato, he kindly reserved a ticket for me so I don't have to run around desperately trying to obtain it myself. Besides, it's my first time to watch a huge event.

It's going to be in Shibuya O-East after all. The venue can accommodate around 1,300 people and Converge is quite popular here in Japan. I'm sure the tickets are going to be sold out.

Thank God I already had my ticket reservation taken care of!

I'll post updates for this.

Will Attempt To...

2009-12-02T18:36:00.003+08:00

I haven't written anything at all after I moved here in Japan. It's been what, almost four months, I guess? I know one thing that 'caused this writing hiatus might be the fast paced life that I have to keep up with in here, but I don't really think that entirely wraps it all up.

I believe I just got too tired of writing personal stuff. I'm not exactly the type who likes to update about what I ate for breakfast, things I recently bought, nor the latest places I have been to. I mean, I try, but I do it sparingly.

However though some friends are actually asking me to write again in my blog and well, I thought it's about time for me to put my adventures/misadventures into writing again. After all, I think I have more stories to tell here in Japan.

So friends, please standby 'cause I'm ready to roll...yet again. :)

The Chicken and The Road

2009-08-02T11:07:00.003+08:00

"Why did the chicken cross the road?"

Seriously, how dare we ask "why" the chicken crossed the road when there wasn't even any evidence yet proving that it REALLY DID cross the road? Some nerve we have.

And so do the people who echo this mantra. The lot of you, how dare you.

Children's Crucible

2009-07-28T17:59:00.015+08:00

I went to my cousin's husband's wake last night. I didn't feel like looking at the dead body because I still cannot believe he's already gone. But after much milling about, I did anyway. What's really frustrating is that it seemed like he's just fast asleep, as if he can still be roused up from that deep slumber. But of course, of course, he won't wake up. Nevermore.

And I just can't stand seeing his children wide-eyed and still able to shed some smile on their faces when they saw me. Their innocent heart-warming smiles just break me apart piece by piece. I asked them, particularly the eldest son, about what he thinks about seeing his father's coffin. With a curt nod, he replied, "Papa is no more." Not knowing what to do, I just gave him a genial pat on the back, trying to fight back my tears from falling. I just had to hold it in so as to not confuse the kid with my random emotional outburst. As if their mother isn't enough of an emotional wreck already. I don't want to add everybody's devastation.
Thinking about their reactions; the kids were still smiling even with their father's death. They were still chasing each other, playing tag with other kids, and having fun. Unlike their mother, it didn't seem like their world stopped revolving a bit. Life goes on for the young and innocent.

It's because they still haven't had a grasp of their situation. They still haven't realized yet that they will never see their father ever again until they become parents themselves. Not a chance. But their innocence kept them safe from all of these sad realities. They still haven't reached that level of understanding yet. I don't know if it's actually a good thing. I mean, I guess innocence is necessary to fill in the kids' underdeveloped mentality. But eventually when they grow up, they will still be confronted with these harrowing issues in life. So I guess it would be better that young as they are right now, they should understand their circumstance, or at least have someone to make them understand why they had to go through all of these.

Then again maybe not. I wouldn't want to take part in breaking up the shell of innocence where they've been hidden safely. I don't know anymore. Time can only tell.

It's just sad that these poor kids had to start it out young. With no father to assist their mother in raising them all up, they had to grow up twice as fast to compensate for that loss. They have no other choice but to grow up earlier than they're supposed to. They had to help their mother help them.

I plan to extend my hand out to them should they have financial difficulties. It's the least thing I could do for these kids.

Touched by An Angel...of Death

2009-07-27T12:17:00.013+08:00

"No one can confidently say that he will still be living tomorrow."

- Euripides

This morning, I was awakened by our house helper's (who's also my childhood friend) sobs. Thinking there must be something terrible that has happened, I quickly went down stairs, while tracking down the sobs. My heart raced, I couldn't find my parents. They were not there when I woke up. Dammit, I wonder what could've happened. Is this a punishment for being a terrible night owl? I just couldn't wake up earlier than everybody does in the house.

And then I saw our helper, she was outside by the dirty kitchen, clutching her mobile phone. With a puzzled and quite annoyed tone in my voice I asked, "What happened?" She said, "Ate, Kuya Archie just died."

For a moment there I thought my heart just stopped. Asking again for a confirmation of what I just heard I said, "Huh?What?!"

"Kuya Archie, Ate Bing's husband died in his sleep," she weakly replied as she couldn't stop sobbing. (She's also close to the folks in my mother's side.)

"What the hell? And the kids?! What about the kids?! There are SIX of them right?" I blurted out in a surge of panic; my feet started to get numb and cold. I love those kids. They're adorable. Some of them even went to our house for a vacation last summer. I had fun baby sitting them. But now, they had to go on living without a father. What a cruel fate these kids have. It's just so difficult to register everything and make sense of it at the moment.

I just stood there in an awkward, deafening, and irritating silence. I have never felt so irritated with silence my entire life. My gut started to churn and I was feeling nauseous just thinking about what's going to happen to all SIX of the kids. And their mother. Their mother has a heart condition. That cousin of mine has a congenital heart disease, it was said that she had some perforations in her heart. And now with her husband's sudden death those perforations won't get any better literally and figuratively speaking. I just hope she won't have any ideas on following the footsteps of her husband. I wouldn't know what to do anymore should she decide to take that path. But knock on wood, I hope she would think more about her kids and stand firm.

I sent mom a text message, aking her about what happened. And so she confirmed that Kuya Archie was dead on arrival. It was a case of aneurism. He vomitted blood and was beyond help when he arrived at the hospital. He died at a young age of 29.

I just can't believe this is the morning news that I'm going to receive now that I only have less than a month before I leave for Japan. These certainly aren't the memories that I was hoping to take with me. A cousin of mine already died last May. He too left two kids behind and a regretful wife. Regretful because they had a fight and they never reconciled.

But I think it's a lesson learned for all of us. A harsh one at that. I just hope it wouldn't be as harsh the next time when life has something to point out to us. What I mean to say is that sometimes, we humans just don't really want to learn the lessons of life so we had to experience the touch of death once in a while to remind us we have to live it rightly. Especially giving importance to the ones we love.

Because the touch of death is a vicious one.

Life is uncertain, death is so sure. It never misses an opportunity to take lives. And never mind if the ones left behind are poor little kids and a fragile mother.

Shooting Teh Shizz (pun intended)

2009-07-24T12:03:00.011+08:00

"Issho ni arukou yo." (Let's walk together)

Yesterday, with nothing better to do, I grabbed my point and shoot camera (Canon PowerShot S5IS) and went to our backyard and front yard and took some pictures of anything I came across with, i.e. cats, flowers, slippers, etc. I had quite an interesting afternoon sans my rumbling stomach (diarrhea, I think). O_O Good thing I still managed to take some pictures but not without some extra trips in the loo. haha.

"hana" (flower)

After which, I did some touch ups and put up some captions. It was a concept I got from my friend Rovie (who's good in photography and post production by the way), only that my captions are in Japanese writings. It did serve me well. I uploaded it in my facebook account and from what I can gather, some people liked the pictures that I took. But I still have a long way to go though. I mean, I don't really intend to be pro but hey, I think it's a hobby that I actually want to cultivate.

I bet by the time I save up enough money in Japan, I can buy myself a DSLR camera and somehow I might be deserving to own one (I'm rooting for a Nikon D90, it has an HD video!)...I'm really going to try whatever I can and have fun along the way with my dabbling in photography.

Feme Fatale's Own Fatality

2009-07-21T11:04:00.014+08:00

This animoo image is but a parody. Sensibilities need not be offended, sisters.

If there's one thing that I feel hesitant , albeit incompetent, to do in the estrogen-dominated field, it has to be cooking.

I know it's not nuclear science since all I have to do is move a finger or two and take a little interest in cooking for me to learn the basics. But heck, I think it has something to do with my attitude, rather acquired definition of femininity, that kinda infused a tiny wave of cognitive dissonance within my female brain which in turn demotivates me to learn the basics of the domesticated life.

As a big fan of women empowerment advocacy and through years of exposure to feminist ideologies, I have firmly decided to be tagged among those women who don't want to live down to society's expectations. I just don't want to become a docile plain housewife. I refused to excel in any household endeavor, especially cooking. I keep on telling myself, "I am a woman. So what if I AM? Don't assume I can cook, rather WILL cook for you! The house is not my turf. I'd rather be somewhere else and make a mark in there." And make a mark, I did. All I ever did was engage my self in male-dominated sports like soccer, skateboarding, and Muay Thai. Heck I even joined a hardcore band to scream like a drunk lobotomized ape going amok. That's it, I like it rough.

But with that decision comes a grave price.

I. Will. Starve. And probably die of starvation. I realized ideologies cannot sustain my already malnourished body.

I think I just took it out of context and into the extremes. After graduating from college and my impending teaching gig in Japan with the possibility of living on my own, I realized how much of an extremist I have become. I totally overlooked the aspect of cooking as an essential key for survival, especially when you are on your own to fend for yourself. And it's not going to come off as genuine independence if I were to entrust my survival to another individual. What's the point of holding on to your feminist pride when you have an empty stomach? You can't eat pride for that matter anyway.

So last week, while waiting for mom to come home from shopping groceries, dad prepared some veggies to cook for dinner. Staring at dad mincing the veggies, I suddenly had this weird impulse to get my own chopping board and a knife to help him out. Dad was planning to stir fry the veggies and I unexpectedly volunteered to do it. And that was my jump start in cooking. Actually, I used to know how to cook when I was in grade school because we had a subject that required each of us to cook simple Filipino dishes. When I was cooking the food, I kinda did it instinctively as if I really know what I was doing. I kinda don't but it was a gamble I brought upon my rusty episodic memory. Somehow, I pulled it off. I actually managed to cook veggies just right. It wasn't soggy nor uncooked. It was alright. For someone who has never touched a ladle in for years now, it was kind of a big deal to me 'cause finally, I can cook stir fry veggies. Mom and our housekeeper were shocked that finally I decided to cook and get over it. Oh well.

It's actually a good motivator. The next day I cooked again for my own consumption. Then I found myself yearning to learn more veggie recipes. Visiting to vegetarian websites inflated my growing curiosity for vegetarian meals. I mean, if I were to cook something at all, I'd rather it be healthy and cheap. Again, it's for survival purposes. I did not become interested in cooking to cook for a man. But if push comes to shove I might consider this cook book:

Catch my drift?

So there, cooking wasn't that much harmful to my feminist convictions after all. But still I am not comfortable with the idea of becoming a plain housewife.

Uppity sisters unite!

When Pigs Fly

2009-06-24T14:18:00.018+08:00

The recent A(H1N1) epidemic scare sends all of us into irrational surges of panic buying for possible supplements we need in order to shield ourselves from the malevolent virus. We rush to the hospitals near us for flu shots just to make us feel better and appease our anxiety from contracting the disease. We stack up fruits and veggies and do all preventive measures for the sake of our health...Yes, health is wealth and according to the famous tag line fed to us by some vitamin supplement brand,"bawal magkasakit." There's nothing wrong with it really. What's distrubing though is that we get too anxious about something that we sometimes resort to self-fulfilling prophecies. And a greater wave of paranioa ensues.

With the said paranoia and disillusionment going on, it is also a perfect opportunity for our politicians to make their personal agendas more elusive if not completely concealed from the public eye. Since most of us Filipinos have an attention span of a fruit fly, with this dreadful swine flu hangin' just around the corner, and in fact has already infiltrated Metro Manila (I do hope Davao would not be infected just as much), most of our energies have been focused on our paranoia over these preventive measures and whatnot.

Not to mention we keep ourselves on track with the latest senate hearings over a worthless piece of sex scandal video(as if it's a new story to tell...just so the senate would have something to do) involving a hosto-potential-sorry-excuse for a doctor with a filthy rich sugar mommy (who looks like she needs plastic surgeries more than she could perform) and an ugly starlet whose fame is totally questionable for sheer lack of talent. Seriously. And apparently, they have nothing else better to do, they sensationalize these things so they would have more "valid" reasons to implement copy right laws. (Screw copy right. The only people that would benefit these policies aren't really the artists, just these corporate owned labels and other magnanimous corporations, desiring to earn more than they could spend in their lifetimes.

Ah but I digress.

With our manic divided attention, we gave the government, specifically the congress, ample time to plot their scheme on effectuating their long-standing proposal for Charter Change, which is of course through the Con-Ass. The people needed some distraction. Hence these controversies sprouted here and there from the depths of hell just to keep the people distracted. And we, a nation of gossip mongers will always want to hear the latest chika, "now na," (read: Kris Aquino). While we shoot the shizz and entertain ourselves with our own stupidity, they've always been behind our backs, surreptitiously conniving, waiting for the right timing to publicly announce it. And by that time we can only do little about it. Just like what is happening right now.

At the height of these swine-flu scare and sex scandal hoopla, this Con-Ass proposal faded into the background which is what the government wanted to happen so they could get away with it unscathed from the criticisms of the civil society. The PGMA's State of the Nation Adress is only a fews weeks to go from now, along with the dreaded Con-Ass. We ask ourselves, "how the hell did Con-Ass come up into the picture?"

Ask yourself again. Did you even care about our nation's situation when you were spending hours in front of a static box full of talking idots while waiting for the latest Dr. Hayden Kho's "Careless Whisper" update? Do you even care about the system that we're in? I don't want to be pessimistic about it. But with this kind of mentality we have as a nation, I don't think I can keep up my hopes high...not even when pigs fly. :(

(con ass image taken from: http://midfield.wordpress.com/2009/06/05/twin-evils-resolution-1109-and-the-9-11-terror-attack/)

On writing with writer's block.

2009-06-03T00:08:00.007+08:00

I've been having doubts about my capacity on writing lyrics with noteworthy content. Since I don't really want to write about cliches in a preachy mode, I've been waiting for an inspiration to come. For the entire summer, nothing really motivated me enough to lift up a finger and write even a single word. Our recording has been delayed (not really too delayed) because of my reluctance in picking up pen and paper and write down my thoughts. This is the worst writer's block I've ever had.

But I had to summon all the energy I could muster to get this over with. I hate to admit it but it's tormenting me. Don't get me wrong, I love my band. Maybe it's because I'm not really in the condition to organize my thoughts after graduating and having to deal with drastic changes. I'm, after all, in the middle of a transition to adulthood. Hence, I got too focused on the problem without contemplating about the possible solutions that could cure the parched part of my creative brain.

What I failed to realize though is that what I'm going through and my experiences this summer in general are some no-nonsense conceptual frame works that I could actually write about. I have every reason to write. From losing three of my loved ones, my frustration with the Philippine judiciary system, to my personal existential crisis, things that actually matters most that other people can actually relate with one way or another.

I think I just needed some people to talk me out of it. God bless my agnostic band mates, they finally shook the sense out of me last night and the Yellowcab pizza helped too.

I've been writing today, since I got sick and I gotta stay home. At least I'm still being productive. I hope to get well soon though so I could start my work in Tambara (research publication of Ateneo).

What A Coincidence...

2009-05-13T22:05:00.014+08:00

I went to Ateneo today for a lecture about "Protocols on Interviewing Children" by Ma'am Gail Ilagan. I was an hour late but I still got to digest half of the lecture's discussions. Ma'am Gail just went through the basics so catching up was a breeze.

Funny thing though, the moment I entered room F511, while in the middle of her discussion she greeted in a matter-of-factly manner saying, "Hello Mia, have you been terrorizing children lately?" With a grin I replied, "Yes ma'am. In fact, I'll be wreaking havoc again this May 15-16," as I settled myself in my chair, remembering the good 'ol days sitting in Ma'am Gail's class. She just has this way of keeping me interested in her lectures even though I already graduated. I don't think I'll ever get tired of sitting in her lectures. Ma'am Gail, once you're done with your PhD degree, I will be waiting for you to teach in graduate school.

Ah, sweet education.

Anyway, when the lecture was over, I had an awesome chitchat with Ma'am Gail about my volunteer work in Compostela Valley come this May 15-16. She told me to text her when I get there. I told her I already asked permission from the Rentals but I didn't really inform my 'rents exactly where I'm going to be assigned. Why, my mom would instantly freak out and probably foam in the mouth (lol not really) if she would so much hear about places such as Compostela or Cotabato. And worst of all, there's a high propensity of her not allowing me to go out of the house anymore. And I hope she won't find out about this blog. Haha.

Oh lawdy. The pangs of being an only girl and the youngest.

So...When Ma'am Gail and I were done talking, I went down the cafeteria to just hang out with Weng. We watched Yes!Man and laughed every now and then. It's pretty much a good movie though, it was based on a book anyway so the structure was pretty much concrete. Not a fan of Jim Carrey though but, 'twas alright.

It was already around quarter to seven when we decided to call it a day and we went outside to ride a Toril jeep since we usually take the same route. So yes, we rode a jeep with no "kunduktor" because they just make my blood boil in automatic annoyance. They are the very definition of obnoxious. I just avoid riding jeepneys with those creeps.

So I finally picked the perfect jeep then Weng and I got in.

When the jeep passed by SM, there's this boy who got in who also happens to have been in the same jeepney with me when I went to Ateneo earlier this afternoon. I think he's still in highschool or a fresh HS graduate because he looks really young. I remembered him because he was clutching a guitar (probably an acoustic guitar) gig bag. He looks thin and err, sickly. Okay, so much for a detailed description. Thing is, it's really my first time to have an encounter with a random person who got into the same jeepney with me TWICE on the same day. I just find it weird. Why does he have to ride the same jeepney that I'm riding on my way home? Funny coincidence. He kinda looks like a generic slit-wrist emo kid too. Then again, I suspend my judgment until I get to know the person. Maybe next time when I get to see him again I should indoctrinate him about SKRAMZ regardless.

Haha. What a day.

Top 5 Things I Love About Japan

2009-05-12T02:32:00.005+08:00

This might be a little overrated as there are so many people writing about their "Top Five's" on whatever aspect there is. But just so you would know, I have this urge to trace my roots for I am one of those kids with mixed heritages who don't really have any Gestalt-like sense of cultural orientation. I so happen to have been estranged from my Japanese bloodline simply because I was not raised there. So as a compensation, I am going to start appreciating my roots by making a list about the things that I like about my second home: Japan.

NUMBER 5: Swift and Orderly Transportation System

I took this picture somewhere in Takasaki City, Gunma Prefecture, Japan.

Japan spells relatively rare traffic jams and reckless drivers. I think traffic jams only happen whenever there are accidents or what-have-yous, which are also rare by the way. I also love how shinkansen (bullet trains) and densha (normal trains) are widely used in there. Travelling is pretty much easy since trains are fast and really convenient especially when you don't have a car (or a Japanese driver's license at that).

Me and my nephew camwhoring inside a Japanese train. (Takasaki Line)

And don't forget the bikes! Oh man, bikelanes are almost everywhere. You can use a bike as a mode of transportation for short-distance travels like going to the nearest convenience store, park, or even to school/work place or just for sight-seeing around the neighborhood. Point is, you would not only have an environmental-friendly travel, you can also get a daily dose of cardio-exercise to burn your accumulated flabs over your abs while you're at it.

NUMBER 4: Generally Clutter-Free Streets

A view from our apartment: check out the "moon runes" a.k.a. Japanese writing that says "止まれ/Tomare" which means "Stop."

I like taking long strolls around Japanese streets (especially in the countryside) because most of the streets there are unbelievably clean, you could probably lick them without running the risk of contracting some weird bacterial infections. And, more often than not you can rarely see homeless folks sprawled along the sidewalks begging for alms. Sure there are a few homeless people in Japan alright, but they would never ask you for alms, (and they get insurance from the Japanese government for goodness sake!)...A bulk of them would even get insulted if you so much have the audacity to extend them a helping hand. But that's just pride in the Japanese cultural context.

So anyway, back to the streets, it's not that I hate taking a walk within the Philippine soil but it's just heart-breaking to see a horde of homeless children whenever I tread the path around Claveria or Jacinto Street outside Ateneo or just virtually anywhere in the Urban Metro Davao(or anywhere in the Philippines, for that matter). You see, it's just impossible to take a liesurely walk when you're confronted with Third-World reality right in your face.

"Sampo-shiteru"(strolling) with my nephew Gari-kun and niece Di-chan in the streets of Fukaya City, Saitama, Japan.

NUMBER 4: Security Guard-Free Stores with Automatic Sliding Doors and Friendly Clerks

Yes. Aside from the striking fact that automatic sliding doors are already cool in themselves, there are no annoying security guards probing your bags nor groping your hiney (god-forbid if there are any innuendos involved) whenever you enter their malls, supermarkets, and convenience stores. Although not all of their convenience stores have automatic sliding doors, it's pretty much the "staple doors" for most of the stores in the Land of the Rising Sun. Plus, the clerks are really customer-friendly and service-oriented unlike the ones we have in the Pinas that could irk you to death for following you around in every aisle, thinking you might just be planning to shop-lift their products. None of that is present in Japan. It's consumer's freedom baby. And they have this old adage that goes, "The customer is god," so rest assured, you will not come off as a suspected klepto nor a terrorist no matter how greasy you would want to look like.

Japanese store clerks call their customers "Okyaku-sama." (The -sama suffix is only used to highly-respected individuals and it's probably the closest thing to being treated like a "god" in a literal sense.)

NUMBER 3: The Infamous Japanese Soft Drinks

The Japland never ceases to amuse me even with the way their bottling companies market their drinking beverages to the mainstream consumers. Their creative juices have always been overflowing. In fact, the current is so strong that the dam of sanity just broke down into catastrophic proportions.
Infamous eh? Alrighty then, could you ever find a Pepsi Ice Cucumber anywhere else outside of Japan, pray tell? Or the umm, unholy marriage between Pepsi and yogurt that goes by the name Pepsi White? (Now imagine how'd it taste like). What about the oh-so-clever canned bottled water? Or even a salad-flavored canned water? Uh-huh, SALAD. Ever heard of a soda with eel extract? Well? No sir. Never. Only in Japan.

Too much marketing innovation for their own good, indeed. But I'm not saying it's a bad thing either. Whatever reasons they have for creating these tiny gems of lunacy, I just love these wacko bottling companies for being the top (and maybe the ONLY) producers of bizarre to just plain eerie roster of thirst-quenchers.

NUMBER 2: The Music Scene

Some members of A.O.W. and Meaning during the Gunma Sunburst Music Festival

Whether it's Rock, Metal, Hardcore or even Visual Gay err, Kei, the scenes of these genres, respectively, are SO ALIVE and thriving in Japan. It's one of the things I lament over what we lack in the music department here in the Philippines (Davao City to be exact), especially in the hardcore scene.

For the record, we just don't have enough reputable people to make good music with, let alone an entire scene (aside from a few selected bands I actually got to know personally). Sure there are a battalion of kids going to some of our hardcore shows in COT (City of Thorns Crew) but there are only a few from the kids that show genuine interest for the music we play and not just for the public appearances so they could raise up their popularity cred because they're lumped in together with the bands in the same place (hint- usually most of them don't show their support by paying for the cheapest entrance fee possible and just opt to stay outside to look cool and stuff). It's weird as it is annoying. But that's just based on my own observation. I cannot speak in behalf of the entire hardcore scene.

Daichi-san of A.O.W. cooking Nabe for everyone backstage

I can really tell the difference though, as I have gone to a few hardcore shows in Japan. The heart of the scene is in Tokyo and just so you would know, people pay ridiculously exorbitant entrance fees (as high as JPY3,000 or P1,200 converted in peso) just to show support for the bands in their regular shows. Sure, there are lots of posers there too but they don't really outnumber the genuine supporters either. No crab mentality whatsoever too. The over-all spirit and camaraderie is just so different there. I wish Davao hardcore scene will share the same fate...Maybe someday. I just hope so.

Meaning dudes during their set

I also got to meet some good Japanese hardcore bands (AOW, Meaning, Seth, Hankouki, to name a few) that play for the sake of the music that they play. I am lucky to have met friends like them in my lifetime. I can't wait to hang out with them when I get back there.

NUMBER 1: All The Random Weird Shizz In Japan

May it be a TV ad, show, food, clothing, or any product at all, Japan never runs out of weird stuff. Japan is the essence of weird materialized into reality.

I need not explain further, for goodness sake it's JAPAN!

So there you have it! Technically it's not a TOP 5 as I've included side-topics here and there but I just had to group them into a single item to make my list shorter and easier to read. I should be proud I'm carrying a Japanese family name, amirite?

The Best Drug...from a non-druggie's point of view.

2009-05-10T17:45:00.002+08:00

The "Concrete Proof" of My So-Called College Achievement

Right after graduation, I didn't really feel any fulfillment at all. Most people I got to talk to said I have enough reasons to be happy, euphoric even, because:

First of all, I graduated Cum Laude;
No more staying up late at night writing tons of paperwork's due the next day;
Gone are the days of wearing disgusting uniforms;
College life is all over and done with;
Financial independence is within my grasp (by the time I get a job).

True, true. But instead, I kinda got depressed. No, not clinical depression. Some people said I was just experiencing the fabled "graduating-senior syndrome." They might be right about it. I might have been going through a school-withdrawal phase of some sort.

And so week after my graduation day or two, I didn't have any motivation to apply for a job, nor did I even had the urge to go out for that matter. For the former, I have a legit reason to since I'm going to get a teaching gig in Japan so it would be futile to get a job here 'cause I would immediately resign after a few months anyway. As for the latter, well that's where the problem really sank in my system. I had to confront it, no matter how ugly it could get.

I just really felt like I'm a glass of water being filled to the brim and emptied just then and there. I felt so...blah.

Null.

Zilch.

I just had this need to be filled in with something--it's as if I was searching for something to fill-in the...how do I put this...gaping void. You could say it's similar to Blaise Pascal's "God-shaped Vacuum." Cheesy, but it does happen. Heck, even to one of history's greatest mathematicians.

Luckily, my aunt, who happens to be a chief-executive officer of Kaugmaon Center for Children's Concerns Foundation Inc., saw my potentials suited for community work so she called me up and asked me if I'd like to sign up for a volunteer work there. I intuitively said yes to the invitation without even asking exactly what kind of tasks I would be doing there. . . I just needed something to get myself going. Besides, I worked there for my practicum in the community setting.
I responded to my aunt's invitation, while dragging alongside with me one of my close friends in the pyschology program, Rowena, who was going through the same existential dilemma I've been having. From then on, Weng and I started doing group processes, counseling sessions, and conducting trainings, and seminars to youth peer educators.
And what do you know, my instincts never failed me. Saying yes to volunteer work made me breathe again. I dunno, but I'm like a druggie getting a full shot of herione after months of suffering substance withdrawal symptoms. It just dawned on me that volunteerism is a the best drug afterall. . .That's how I see it anyway.

I'm looking forward to do more of this. I just had an invitation from KABIBA to join their psychosocial team in an International Solidarity Mission to help out children victims of war, come this May 15 to 16.

Wish me luck on this!

She Is.

2009-05-09T18:26:00.003+08:00

People come and go.

And you might be wondering why there's a photo of a random girl in this entry, let alone in my own blog. No, she is not my cousin, friend, nor anyone related to me. We've never met. Though I wish I did.

Last Monday I searched for her in friendster since it's one of the most popular networking site used by most Filipinos so I assumed she owned one. Fortunately, I found her profile with this picture which was probably taken within some internet cafe. It would've been better if her profile wasn't set to private though. But then again you'd probably ask, "Why bother?"

So who is she, really?

Her name is Rebelyn Pitao. She was a 20-year-old girl who used to teach in Saint Peter's College within Toril, Davao City. She was an obedient daughter and a sweet sister. She chose to live her life on her own terms.

It would seem obvious to you by now what kind of message I'm trying to convey given my repeated usage of past-tense form in describing her background. She used to be all these things, but what a shame to say she's not anymore.

That's right, she is already dead. Gone and gone forever. In fact, her death was something that you would never want anyone close to your heart to be subjected into. Anyone with a sane mind can really tell that her death was not a work of a human being but that of a cold-blooded monster.

Why would anyone want to stalk, abduct, torture, rape, and murder a girl like her anyway? She did not do anything wrong to anyone at all. Why does it have to be her?

Ah, but her father did. Rebelyn, despite her efforts of trying to live a normal life, could never escape the shadow of her father's reputation.

And what of her father?

She is, actually, a daughter of an infamous New People's Army leader, Leonicio Pitao who uses the ‘nom de guerre’ Kumander Parago. But what does Rebelyn have to do with this?

Oh, nothing.

She's nothing but a pawn shamelessly utilized to perpetuate propaganda that would probably serve either parties. Left wing, right wing, the works. Whether it was the AFP or her father's personal enemies within the NPA who mounted Rebelyn's abduction and liquidation, the overwhelming idea of her being reduced into such a tool to serve whatever purposes of either parties, remains a question to me.

A question that might never have any answer at all.

Her injuries clearly indicate that those are deliberate attempts to paint a gruesome picture that could invoke visceral reactions from the public. That's propaganda for you. And it takes an innocent life of a girl to serve it's sole purpose: sensationalism. Rebelyn is clearly just a casualty between the warring parties of the NPA and AFP.

Now what does it have to do with me? I, who have never really met her in person, rag on like this as if she were someone I actually knew. True, we may not be friends in real life and there's no amount of re-telling about her life could ever bring her back again, but somehow, she keeps on crossing my mind from time to time.

I have read about the details of her medico-legal and I have seen grisly images of her autopsy (courtesy of Ma'am Gail Ilagan), but I don't even think it's the main reason why she's become embedded in my consciousness. Somehow, and I mean somehow, I can feel a connection with her. Probably because we're of the same age and the nagging fact that she was a young woman like me, trying to establish her career as an educator.

As a human rights advocate, the objectification that was done to her provoked anger and despair in me at the same time. Anger because nobody deserves to die that way and despair because I don't know if could really do anything about it. It's like chess materialized into reality. And we're like the chess pieces waiting for the next pawn to be thrown into the endless battle of psychological warfare and propaganda.

It's been months since she passed away. I hope she would find justice.

May the heavens know your smile, Rebelyn.

(Photos by Keith Bacongco)

Heyo. 私の新しいブログにようこそ！

2009-05-09T16:24:00.001+08:00

Hello. I've finally decided to make a new blog and this time around I will really try to commit writing several entries each month.

I've already graduated from college so I think it's best to write down my random fits of cerebral convulsions every now and then sans academic references (well, slightly). I guess I just really wanna write stuff about my journey to the realm of adulthood even though the traces of maturity aren't starkly apparent in my physique. Lulz.

Anyway, I am Mia Nakano and I don't really owe you an explanation.